Finished my English essay. I did it in two hours with 30 minutes of preparation beforehand. Faxed it off to school. Now it's a matter of whether Ms Knorr got the fax or not. I hope she did. That's just one of the many essays I'm expected to write this holiday. And two hours? Man, I need to speed up.

Watched Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer yesterday afternoon with Cassey and her sister, Ray, Ivan Chong and Riana. It wasn't as bad as I had thought, although I was very disappointed with it's shortness. It only ran for 90 minutes! It felt far too short-lived for a movie. The graphics were pretty cool though. I would've preferred something else like Oceans Thirteen or Transformers though. Both of which are on my to-watch list before heading back to Sydney. My list also includes Half Nelson, Die Hard 4 and POTC: At World's End (which I know, I should've watched AGES ago - but someone was busy studying and preparing for assessment tasks!). I've got alot to catch up on.


I've been looking for a little self-confidence in myself lately. It's the self-confidence I need to push myself into change. I've been thinking alot about how there have been many people this year alone who have mistaken me for the opposite sex, and I'm growing tired of it.

First of all, to set the record -- I am straight. I dig men. Doesn't it show from all the times I've spoken about Daniel Craig and Ewan McGregor? Ok. I am straight.

Thing is, it's most likely that no one really knows. And based on first impressions, I'll bet I'm immediately labelled as otherwise. I like to dress like a guy. I like guy's perfume. I like guy things, and I can't help it. It's not like I modelled myself into what I am today on purpose. That's me. But now, that me is facing a struggle. A struggle between what I'm like today, and what I imagine myself to be in the future. And something's got to be done.

I figured that I don't like to dress femininely because I'm unhappy with my body image. I'm afraid to show myself. I'm afraid because I hate my body image. This is my theory. I figured, if I shaped up, I might reconsider changing my look. I might have the confidence to dress differently - to dress like my age. I just can't be wearing khaki shorts for the rest of my life. I'm almost out of school, and I need to start dressing more appropriately - or people will continuously be judging me for otherwise.

However, this self-confidence is not easy to gain. Nobody ever said it is. It takes time to build. I'm just hoping that it won't take too long.

Sometimes, I dare to wonder if my parents' divorce had a play in this. For most of our childhood, Riana and I grew up without a father figure in the house. I start to wonder, what if that was the reason for why I'm like this? Maybe that was all I needed, a father figure in my life while growing up. I remember listening to my English teacher talking about the psycho-analytical approach to texts -- children without a father during their childhood tend to focus on the closest father figure to them. It may be an uncle or a brother, a family friend or some other person. I can't help but wonder if that's why I turned out to be the way I am.

Or maybe I just look too deep into things. I don't know. One thing will remain with me for the rest of the days ahead though -- this change will happen.

Cheers.

PS. Urgh, great. Dinner with dad's side of the family tomorrow night. I swear if my aunt Pauline gives me shit again for things that don't have anything to do with her, I'm going to start a fscking row. And then I'll tell you all about it later! ;)

PPS. Ray LaMontagne is love.

& turned on the lights; 22:53